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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24360373">join the tumbling mirth</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/justawks/pseuds/d0ng_y0ung'>d0ng_y0ung (justawks)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>boylog [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Boyz (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Crushes, M/M, Mutual Pining, Q: flinging himself off a diving board bc he has a crush, set during THE ONLY era, subtle hints of angst about being an idol and wanting a romantic relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:28:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,663</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24360373</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/justawks/pseuds/d0ng_y0ung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Four bounding steps and he is pushing off the edge, no going back. His arms circle as the blue comes closer and closer and closer until he is engulfed. He feels nothing for a blessed moment before the cold of the water makes itself known. He is awash twice over as the memory of parted pillow lips and wide eyes comes back unbidden, mixing with the shock of the cold water. </p><p>or, Changmin has a crush and jumps into a pool instead of thinking about his feelings.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ji Changmin | Q/Kim Sunwoo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>boylog [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1793686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>join the tumbling mirth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Started watching rtk and got sucked back into tbz so...here u go...</p><p>Title from 'High Flight' by John Gillespie Magee, Jr., which is my favorite poem and always makes me feel things. Set during prep for THE ONLY/No Air promotions, specifically the filming for the album film. Dialogue is from <a href="https://youtu.be/MCn0UlljG48?t=616">here</a>, with some liberties taken based on the subs.</p><p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If there is anything Ji Changmin hates, it is the feeling that he is out of control of his own body. He knew what the idol gig entailed, knew what he was signing up for, but sometimes he is struck with the acute realization that he is not making any choices for his own body—what to wear, how to move, all in the hands of others. He’d love a moment to himself, he often thinks, a recalibration in the midst of constant movement. </p><p>Sometimes it feels impossible to get a moment of stillness, a moment alone. The dorm is a mess of boys and bodies and beds, and the company building is always full of all sorts of people doing all sorts of things. Every day is wakeup, practice, sleep, rinse and repeat, a cycle that gets faster and faster as a comeback approaches. They’re gearing up for ‘No Air’ promotions right now, and Changmin is doing a great job at pushing down both the constant frustration at his lack of control in his own life and the increasing terror he feels whenever he makes eye contact with a certain Kim Sunwoo.</p><p>(It was Chanhee who pointed it out, totally unaware of the crisis he was about to cause. </p><p>“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Sunwoo lately,” he had said teasingly. “I think someone has a <i>cruuuush</i>.” </p><p><i>Oh no</i>, Changmin had thought to himself.)</p><p>There’s a lot there that Changmin has gotten really good at not thinking about for the past 15 or so years, and he intends to keep it that way. (But then he is blushing, giggling, leaning against sturdy shoulders before he can stop it and there it goes again, control over his body done away in mere seconds by a toothy grin from a certain dongsaeng.)</p><p>He and Sunwoo (and isn’t that a funny thing, they way they are always brought together) are driven to a community center with a massive swimming pool while the rest of the boys head back to the dorm. They’ve been filming all night, running across football fields and looking pensively into the camera. Changmin aches for his bed, but there is still more to be done. (There is always more to be done.)</p><p>The voices of the crew as they set up echo eerily in the mostly-empty space. Changmin is suddenly sure that the diving board hadn’t looked this high when he’d agreed to fling himself off of it. He feels himself shake as he stands there, feet bare against the cool tiles of the pool deck. </p><p>A warm hand creeps its way onto his shoulder. His cheeks flush. “You can do it, Hyung," Sunwoo whispers. “You’ll be fine.” Changmin nods, not making eye contact with the younger boy beside him; in his vulnerable state, that would only lead to thinking about the something between them. Moments later it is time to climb, and the warm hand drops away from his shoulder. </p><p>The rungs of the ladder are icy cold while his palms are hot and slick with nerves. He breathes in through his nose as he climbs, pushing breath after breath out between pursed lips. He arrives at the top what feels like hours later, grateful for the coarse texture of the board and the sturdy feel of the handles as he pulls himself up onto the flat surface of the diving board. Eyes closed for just a moment, he feels the thin, chlorinated air circle around him. </p><p>His shoulders burn with that signature tingling sensation, the same one he always feels in the stillness before a performance or when a mask and cap combination aren’t enough to mask his identity from fans when he’s out and about. </p><p>He opens his eyes, and finds Sunwoo looking back. (They’re always <i>looking</i>, never speaking. It irks him, deep down, even as he promises himself not to do anything to change their careful dynamic.) Something odd builds in his chest the longer they make eye contact. Even from this far away, Sunwoo’s prominent features are still visible; pillow lips shine from the remnants of whatever balm the makeup noonas had painted on several hours earlier. Changmin feels feverish all of a sudden, hot and cold and sticky all at once. He feels too aware of the way Sunwoo is looking at him through hooded eyes. Too aware of lingering looks and clasped hands and hesitance, from both sides, to move too quickly lest they shatter the stillness.</p><p>The cameraman clambers up onto the platform behind him, and the spell is broken. Changmin tears his eyes away from Sunwoo, turning instead to see if he can be helpful to the crew. They wave his hands away, so he stands with his back to the precipice, trying not to think too hard about what he’s about to do. </p><p>One of the crew members holds up a vlog camera, smiling encouragingly. Changmin puts his best <i>i-am-definitely-not-terrified</i> face on. </p><p>“I wondered if I could do it, at first, when I got up here. But I think I can do it.” He crosses his hands over his chest, as if to keep out the pulse of nerves he feels crawl up the back of his neck. He sends the camera a look, eyes wide—the fans will think it’s cute, he knows, and no one will ever know the truth of just how terrified he is right now. <i>Except Sunwoo</i>, his traitorous mind offers. </p><p>

“I will run,” he says, smile firmly in place. “Watch me.”

</p><p>

He turns to face the water, looking back over his shoulder. “Make sure to film me running,” he says to the vlog cameraman. He’ll be damned if he goes through all this and they don’t get good footage he can lord over his members later. 

</p><p>

“You can do it, Hyung!” he hears from below, and glances down to see Sunwoo with another one of the vlog cameras in his hands, eyes glinting. Changmin sends him a nervous smile, lets himself be soothed by the balm of Sunwoo’s presence for just a moment. 

</p><p>
He turns back, nodding to the camera operator. 

</p><p>

“Three...two...one...go!” he hears behind him. 

</p><p>
 (The water of the pool is a brilliant blue in the low lighting.)

</p><p>

He breathes out heavily. Four bounding steps and he is pushing off the edge, no going back. His arms circle as the blue comes closer and closer and closer until he is engulfed. He feels nothing for a blessed moment before the cold of the water makes itself known. He is awash twice over as the memory of parted pillow lips and wide eyes comes back unbidden, mixing with the shock of the cold water. <i>Oh no</i>, he thinks to himself again.

</p><p>

He feels the urge to open his mouth in a gasp as the cold makes its way underneath his skin. He holds it in, knowing that will bring him nothing but a coughing fit, and lets himself sink under the surface. Underwater—for moments or minutes or hours, maybe—his mind goes quiet. Eyes closed and sound muffled, he can imagine for a moment that he is anywhere but here. His bedroom at home maybe, or on the street corner where he and his friends used to dance for pocket change in middle school. Somewhere where he could ask to hold Sunwoo’s hand, ask him what he was really thinking, and not be so afraid of the answer.

</p><p>
 
He holds onto the stillness for one long, desperate moment. Then he is kicking back to the surface and the moment is broken.
</p><p>
Staff members help pull him from the water, wrapping towel after towel around his shoulders and offering hushed encouragements. He’s taken into a changing tent, offered dry jeans and his own sweater. Changing quickly, he towels off his hair as he emerges from the tent. He’s handed a vlog camera and told to get some footage of himself as he waits for Sunwoo to film. “We told him he has to jump too, as a little prank. Why don’t you go ask him about it?” the staff person suggests with a distracted smile. Changmin nods because he has accepted that he must do as he is told, as much as he might resent it in his weaker moments. 
   
</p><p>
“Sunwoo-ya!” he calls, waving him over. It’s easier not to hesitate, not to let the something get in the way of doing his job. This is normal territory, after all, pranks and jokes at one another’s expense. This is fine. 
 
</p><p>
Sunwoo looks a little shell-shocked. Changmin lets himself feel sorry for a moment, knows that as bad as the jump was for him, it would be worse for Sunwoo. Still, he forces a teasing smile onto his lips, angling the vlog camera just so as he wraps an arm around Sunwoo’s waist. <i>For the shot</i>, he thinks to himself. <i>I need to make sure we’re both in the frame, that’s all.</i> 
 
</p><p>
“How do you feel?” he asks. “I heard that you have to jump.” Changmin lets his voice go a little soft. He sees Sunwoo give him a pleading look in the camera’s viewfinder, asking for advice with his eyes. He is always so trusting with Changmin, in a way that scares him a little. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, not any more than anyone else, yet Sunwoo always looks to him first. He sets that thought aside. 

</p><p>
“The fall isn’t quick. It takes a long time.” The recent memory—falling, falling, falling—comes back. He digs his toes into the soles of his shoes, feels that he is on solid ground. 
</p><p>
“It was very scary,” he finally says. “It’s not scary going up. It’s thinking of falling down that’s so scary.”
</p><p>
He’s not so sure what he’s talking about anymore, the plunge into the icy pool or letting himself give in, just a little, to the ever-present something.
</p><p>
<i>Yeah</i>, he thinks to himself, <i>it’s the falling that’s scary.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hmu up on <a href="https://twitter.com/cherrryyok">twitter</a>! Feedback is always appreciated :)</p><p>Friendly reminder that fandom spaces can be spaces of positive social change. If you haven't already, please check out <a href="https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#">this</a> compilation of BLM resources.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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